Relationships 101

As a relationship expert specialising in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), I know of many couples who still struggle with relationship issues even after seeking in person or online couples counselling. They've courageously bared their souls and paid good money, but once they are back in their normal routines , they fall into the same toxic patterns as before. The therapy doesn't seem to have made much difference -- the issues are still there.  

It's just not fair -- but it is also unfair to cast all the blame on the therapist. After all, most therapists  are trained to rely heavily on cognitive therapeutic approaches which for decades now have been the standard methodology for treating a wide range of mental health and psychological issues. Not only that, but few therapists have the luxury of specialising only in couple relationships and usually treat individuals, children, and families. They naturally practice trusted therapies that can also be applied across a broad spectrum of needs. 

BUT -- when it comes to couples counselling, these therapies are not necessarily based on the latest research in this field and simply may not be the best solution. Teaching and research is progressing all the time, so busy practitioners sometimes find it difficult to keep pace with the latest developments. They continue to practice the cognitive approaches they are familiar with, which might not be the most cutting-edge therapy to effectively  help with inter-relational issues. So today, I'm pulling back the curtain on what many therapists might not tell you -- how understanding and addressing your EMOTIONS can transform your relationship, and how this can be effectively achieved through online couples counselling, using Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT).

 To do this, we first need to take a look at the cognitive approach that has been touted by psychology experts for decades now, and that is one of the most common therapeutic approaches used by therapists today. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) is like the 'rock star' of the therapy world. It focuses on identifying and changing negative thought patterns and behaviours. Think of it as a mental workout:  the therapist helps you recognize the unhelpful thoughts and you then work together on replacing them with more positive, constructive ones. CBT can be incredibly effective, especially for issues like anxiety and depression. 

Most modern therapies administered by a skilled practitioner will help to a degree, and CBT is no exception. There is no doubt that negative thinking patterns do contribute to conflict between couples, and CBT can help you to recognize those...for example, one couple I know had developed very negative automatic patterns of thinking about their partner and these needed to be challenged. The problem is, cognition is only part of the story! And by simply focusing on thought patterns, therapy is bypassing a much more primal, immediate and potentially more powerful part of the human experience: our emotions!

The problem with a cognitive approach, particularly when it comes to the conflicts and issues that  couples deal with, is how we operate as human beings; in other words, the human experience. We are designed in such a way that our thought processes are not quick enough to protect us if a sudden dangerous situation arises. Our bodies and minds are 'programmed' for immediate action to get us out of danger.

 Imagine you see a snake suddenly rise up out of the grass at your feet; you could be in immediate danger. You don't have time to assess whether it's deadly or harmless, whether it will bite you or slither away; our pre-frontal cortex (our 'thinking brain') is just not quick enough to go through the logical thought processes required in that kind of situation. So our amygdala, our 'emotional brain' is the part that kicks in to save us by releasing a flood of stress hormones (adrenaline) to make us move and get out of harm's way. No amount of clear logical thinking is quick enough to stop these instantaneous emotional 'fight or flight' responses.

To be human means, therefore, that for better or worse, we tend to experience all our emotional responses far more quickly than our rational, thought-out responses to danger and conflict. And of course, this especially applies when our emotions are heightened and we are in a fight with the people we are the closest to. Our emotions are deep, immediate and often misunderstood. So when a therapist uses CBT which tends to bypass emotions and focuses mainly on thought processes, it is a bit like painting a ceiling to fix a leaky roof...we just haven't addressed the root cause of our problem! Back home, we try to communicate rationally when discussing a sensitive issue, but our emotional patterns kick in and before we know it, we are yelling at each other again.

I know a couple, let's call them Josh and Elspeth, who were caught in a toxic spiral of arguments over money. Although CBT had helped them recognize the negative thought patterns behind their communication, and they both vowed to practice their communication skills and try to do better, their arguments persisted. Why? Because  what the cognitive approach failed to do was explore and understand the deep-seated core emotions that were stirred up every time they tried to talk about money. 

 You see, Josh had been brought up by parents whose love was conditional; he was only praised and validated when he achieved success, so he learned to equate love with financial success. When he thought Elspeth was spending too much money it made him fearful at a deep level that he would lose his successful status;  deep down, he was afraid Elspeth  would then see him as unworthy and stop loving him. For Elspeth, whose family had used material gifts and possessions to demonstrate love, when Josh withheld money she felt unloved and rejected. Although both of them really wanted to love each other and be loved, their underlying fears fed into a toxic spiral of constant fighting where each felt unloved by the other.

 When Josh and Elspeth decided to try online couples counselling with a therapist trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy, they began to explore and understand these deep core emotions. They developed a new appreciation of the root cause of their arguments and could begin to create and practice new and healthier patterns of interaction. But  these core emotions needed to be acknowledged, understood, and explored BEFORE the communication patterns could be addressed. 

And this is where Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) becomes the hero: it zeroes in on our emotional experiences and expressions. It is all about understanding and transforming negative emotional cycles into positive ones. Instead of just thinking your way out of problems, you feel your way through them.

In EFT, we dive deep into your emotional world. We identify the negative emotional cycles that keep you stuck and work to transform them. So EFT was able to uncover that it was Josh's need for security and Elspeth's fear of rejection that was fuelling their constant fights over money. When they started to understand and work on these emotions, they were able to experience real and lasting change. 

EFT uses certain techniques such as attunement and validation to draw couples closer. Being attuned simply means that you 'tune in' to your partner's wavelength; you try to really see things from their perspective. Validation means acknowledging and accepting your partner's feelings without judgment.  Instead of dismissing each other's feelings, couples learn to say 'I hear you, and even if I disagree or don't like it, I know your feelings are valid'. 

Let me level with you -- Emotionally Focused Therapy can be scary, because we are working at the deepest level with our emotions; and we all know that emotions are powerful, and not always easy to understand! It is incredibly important, though, to work through them to create secure emotional bonds with our partner. It's about building trust and safety in your relationship. Like all therapies, it requires effort and commitment from you and your partner. Honest and open emotional expression from both of you is crucial. But although it won't necessarily be easy, it's definitely worth it; EFT research has demonstrated success rates of 70 - 75% within 10 to 12 sessions, with stable results at a 2-year follow-up (see references at the end of the article).

Embracing vulnerability and learning to be emotionally available to your partner and to the therapist is the key to emotional intimacy. When partners share their deepest fears and hopes, they often realise they have been on the same page all along; Josh and Elspeth discovered that beneath their disagreements over finances, they both had the same deep desire to be loved and accepted for who they were. Understanding that means that, instead of taking a defensive position, they began to truly listen to each other for the first time in their relationship, and it brought them so much closer together!

EFT therapists will also focus on the attachment styles which develop as we make our way through life. We all have an attachment style, whether we know it or not, and they often have a lot to do with how securely we bond with our mate. A secure attachment style often results from a happy upbringing, where we have a safe bond with our primary caregiver (often Mum). This will help us forge safe, secure relationships as adults, but if we feel unsafe with a caregiver and develop an anxious style, this can negatively impact our love relationships when we grow up  -- and these styles can change with different relationships. The goal for couple therapy is to help couples achieve a secure, safe bond with each other which will then produce a 'flow on' effect and  impact on their other relationships with family and friends. The good news is that EFT can be just as effective when used for online couples counselling as it is when used in the therapist's office. So if you believe that you and your partner really need some couples counselling, and you are both ready to learn more about the underlying emotional issues and conflicts in your relationship, then let's talk! Shoot me a message and let's get started!

In conclusion -- achieving a happy relationship isn't about quick fixes or surface-level changes. It's about diving deep into your emotions, embracing vulnerability, and building secure emotional bonds that will impact not only the couple, but their children, family and friends too. Your relationship with a significant other is arguably the most important area of your life and it impacts your happiness in all parts of your world! You deserve to experience that wonderful love connection that sets your soul on fire. So remember, it isn't just about thinking your way to happiness -- it's about feeling your way there too!

References

• Johnson, S. M. (2004). The Practice of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy: Creating Connection. New York: Brunner-Routledge.
• Beck, J. S. (2011). Cognitive Behavior Therapy: Basics and Beyond. New York: Guilford Press.
• Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York: Three Rivers Press.
• https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/mindful-relationships/202101/the-most-effective-couples-therapy-by-far